Christmas, Depression, Family, Psychosis, Relationships

Christmas Is Not The Same Without You

Christmas is a very special time for me but this year it is bittersweet. This is mine and Rob’s first Christmas as husband and wife but it is also my family’s second Christmas since my mother left. Growing up our household was never short on Christmas cheer. Our house was always a winter wonderland, the inside and the outside decorated so beautifully. There were Santas and caroler dolls, snowmen and reindeer and a beautiful miniature village but my most favourite thing was the Christmas tree it was covered in fake snow and looked so magical. I loved this tree so much that I bought one for our own home. Christmas always brought out the best in my mum. She did everything possible to bring Christmas to life in our home.

Over a year and a half ago my mother left us, she went overseas on a ‘holiday’ and ended up cutting contact with us and decided to continue the rest of her life without us. For a long time I was angry and hurt. There are plenty of those who have many a bad word to say about my mum and to be completely honest with you I did too. Through writing my own blog and going through my own mental illness I realised that I could no longer be angry with her. My mother is very unwell and needs her family more than ever, only I can’t help her when we are oceans apart.

This year I decided to host Christmas lunch for my family the way my mum used to. It means a lot to me to carry on her tradition of keeping the family together to celebrate the holidays. Writing this post I am fighting back tears as I think of my mother happy and healthy. I think of her as she used to play her Christmas music. I think of her as she used to laugh hysterically while watching her favourite Christmas movies – a tradition I have now started with Rob. I think of her always adding to her Christmas light display. Every time I look at my tree I look back fondly and remember how we used to decorate our family tree. 

This past week of the festive season has been the hardest. I watched all the movies she loves, I shared them with Rob. I remember how much joy these movies brought her, I am watching one of her favourites right now, Jingle All The Way. My heart aches when she comes to mind. I wish I could take back all the hate and the cruel things I said when she left. It hurts me so much knowing she is so far from us and suffering most of the same symptoms I am, just much worse.

I would give anything to have Christmas lunch with her, give her a gift, or wish her a Merry Christmas. I miss her most this time of year. I love my mother so much and I would give anything to have her home for Christmas.

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