I had a session with the Doc today. “Have the hallucinations gotten better?” No I tell him. I tell him about the man I saw walking behind Rob in our parking lot basement last week, the man who wasn’t there on second glance. I looked but he wasn’t there. I tell him about the music I hear and the singing. I tell him about the singing last night and how it didn’t frighten me as much as it used to. I’m trying to label the hallucinations now too. I tell him of the thing in the shadows last night which was still slightly scary. It’s time to increase the dose.
I hate being on medication, I feel trapped. I hate having to take tablets every day and not its just one or two tablets, as of today I am taking 9 tablets a day! I have to take these tablets every day. I have to cut back on my alcohol intake, I’m hoping to cut that out altogether sooner rather than later. I have to make sure I take the lithium immediately after food. I can’t take any ibuprofen anymore or any NSAIDs for that matter. I have to keep my fluid intake up and I have to keep my sodium levels even to make sure the lithium levels in my blood don’t spike up. I also have to take regular blood tests to monitor lithium toxicity. I have to keep a pill cutter at work so that I can split the seroquel during the day to make sure the drowsiness has less of an impact on me.
The drowsiness is by far the worst side effect. I find that if I take my medication too late at the night then I wake up feeling like I got hit by a truck the next morning. I am incredibly drowsy during the day and this makes work very difficult. I catch myself nodding off in the morning when I’m staring at my monitor. I keep falling asleep on the way to work making it almost impossible to read anymore.
Reading isn’t the only thing I find difficult. Writing is becoming a challenge. I love writing but I feel as if my brain is in a fog as of late. My mind is not as sharp and that can be terrifying at times. I can’t follow a conversation as well as I used to, I find myself getting confused a lot and this can be very humiliating. I detest this side effect. I abhor this brain fog. What makes matters worse is that it’s not only my mind that is faltering but I am always dizzy and constantly losing balance. I have been stumbling around as if I were drunk.
The Doc says I need to take these medications so that I can get better, so that my moods become stable and so that the hallucinations go away. Maybe he’s right, maybe it is best to stay on these wretched tablets but as I sit here and write this post I feel the anger and agitation boiling up from deep within me. I just want to be done with this. I am growing ever so weary. When will this all be over?