I went to work. I met with a friend. I came home. I’m watching TV with Rob. I’m doing everything I should be doing. Yet I still feel this horrible gaping feeling in my chest. I am going through the motions, smiling when I need to, laughing when I am supposed to but there is an emptiness. I am detached from myself. My soul has vacated the premises and all that is left is darkness. I don’t always feel like this but it is one of the moods that I go through almost each day. I feel like there is something wrong, like I have done something wrong. It feels like my chest is caving in. I keep saying I’m not depressed and that’s because I do not believe that I am but this feeling is becoming too intense to ignore.
My moods are cycling ever so rapidly. I am going through several intense shifts in mood a day. I am tired of such violent mood swings. I am tired of being on medication. I get dizzy spells and drowsiness so strong that it makes going to work very difficult. I get confused very easily and find it hard to follow anything but a simple conversation. Having to continue going to work while experiencing strong side effects is so difficult. I have to have a blood test tomorrow to make sure that I am not in danger of lithium toxicity because as you know, I have had to increase my dosage to combat the looming psychosis that threatens to undo my life.
Most days I feel ok, some days I feel like I have it under control so much so that I don’t need medication but there is some part of me that has decided to stay on it for the unforeseeable future. I am cooperating with the Doc. I am trying it his way. I am taking as many lithium and seroquel tablets as he tells me too. I am attending sessions with Dr F every week just as she recommended. I am keeping a mood diary like she asked me too. I fill out my mood tracker every day too. I don’t like to have to work so hard to bring my bipolar into remission. I don’t like having to work so hard to be mentally well but I do it for Rob and for all those who love me.
Through the course of my bipolar episodes most of the people who know have been very supportive but especially after going public with my blog and my disorder I have learned that there are many people invested in my mental health. Over the years I have learned that people can help you, people can support you but they can never fix you. It is up to me to take charge of my own recovery. I owe it to my friends, family, Rob and to myself to try my very best and do everything I can to get better.