Today I put an emergency text through to my psychiatrist after another night of hallucinations. I am honestly struggling to write this now. It’s very difficult to explain to you that I am losing grip with reality let alone be able to write about it ‘eloquently’.
Last night as I was trying to get to sleep I saw a shadowy figure stick his head out from behind the wall and immediately retreat into the shadows. My heart was racing as I lay there watching the door way for the monster out to get me. I was terrified. I kept seeing the creature in the shadows, even after I turned my lamp on and tried to sleep I could feel his grip on me. I tried my best to ignore it but I could not go back to sleep. Rob woke up to me sobbing and trying to disappear into him. He hugged me and stayed by my side the entire night.
I woke up deeply troubled by my obvious fall into psychosis. I realised that there are many symptoms and things I didn’t tell my psychiatrist about. I have much more difficulty concentrating, anxiety, I am suspicious of others, I have been withdrawing from people unless I have Rob with me. I have disorgansed speech – just to name a few. My hallucinations aren’t limited to creatures in the shadows, I also see rats and mice dashing around but perhaps the most troubling is seeing my mother who moved overseas over a year ago.
I posted my symptoms on a bipolar support group on Facebook. I was touched by the kindness of those who commented and in particular a woman who private messaged me and talked me through what needed to be done. You see it is very difficult to understand your own symptoms but when you have nobody around you who can help you make sense of them, the battle becomes twice as hard. She told me that my symptoms are so familiar to her and that when she was experiencing what I had she was well and truly on her way to losing her grip on reality. She advised me to get in touch with the Doc immediately and to go to hospital. I told her I was afraid they would not believe me if I went to the hospital, she tried to comfort me.
I listened to her and sent the Doc a text message. He called me back within ten minutes. He told me that I had to stop the ritalin as I was well into psychosis now and that the ritalin would make it worse. He told me that I did the right thing by getting in touch with him. I told him I wasn’t sure if I needed to go to the hospital or not, “You may not need hospitalisation just yet, if we increase your seroquel and lithium it may help” he replied. I will have to get to a dose that would make me drowsy throughout the day to help fight the psychosis. He also sent me a message a few minutes ago to tell me he had a cancellation tomorrow and that I should come in for an emergency appointment.
I can’t stress to you the importance of having a psychiatrist as dedicated as the Doc, especially when you suffer from such a serious disorder. You and your doctor need to be a team both dedicated to your recovery. I know I am losing my grip but hopefully the Doc can help me get my symptoms under control before I get lost in my own mind.