26 November 2016
I ended up falling asleep sometime after 1 this morning. I wake up roughly 5 hours later, rested and energised. I try to make myself sleep more because the part of me that is still monitoring my symptoms knows that a decreased need for sleep is not a good sign. Who cares though?! I have energy in the morning for the first time in who knows how long!
I jump out of bed and have a quick breakfast. I think about what I want to do with my morning and remember the laundry in the spare room, filling up and spilling over the basket. The mess in the room is making me anxious so I play my music and start. I start folding and sorting clothes, then I realise I’m not utilising my storage place as well as I should. I start pulling things out of my storage chest, desk drawers and shelf. I pack, unpack and repack. Then I notice the top storage in the built in wardrobe, it needs to be reorganised. I’m on my step ladder and I think to myself Hey you’re on the top step! There is no one here holding your legs for support! You aren’t afraid! I realise that this may not seem like a big deal to anyone else but I am terribly afraid of heights in certain situations. This episode is fantastic! 5 hours later the room is finally finished, it would have been done sooner if I didn’t keep getting distracted.
We have guests over tonight and I’ve made sure the apartment is spotless. I find myself struggling with mess again. I sit down to eat and try to ignore it, after all how can people sit and eat in peace if I am darting around from person to person cleaning and tidying. I tell myself to be reasonable, there is no real mess! By the time we all finish eating I am so anxious, I immediately start cleaning. The feeling of relief washes over me for a few brief moments.
My psychiatrist has mentioned to me that what I have been experiencing seems like secondary OCD. A secondary disorder branches off from a primary disorder and as the primary disorder gets worse so too does the secondary disorder and in turn improves by treating the primary disorder. This secondary OCD always manifests itself in different ways. When I am depressed or anxious I obsessively pray. When I am higher I get anxiety from mess. The secondary OCD seems to be exacerbating as my mood climbs higher and higher. A small downside that is incredibly outweighed by this amazing mood.