This post is one of two parts. I generally write draft posts throughout the day so you can see my thoughts, symptoms and moods as they happen.
25th November 2016
It’s Friday. I had poor sleep last night again because I have become increasingly afraid of the dark. I come back to my desk to find piles of work to be done. I have my jumbo sized coffee, it’s better than energy drinks right? And I am focused, chasing the high that gets me through the day. I am on a different frequency now.
I feel angry and agitated, no I’m not depressed, I’m not down, I’m racing. My mind is talking to itself, I’m irritable because I’m tired, or is it the mixed episode? Who knows anymore. I try to slow down but at the same time I don’t want to. I’ve got rap rock blaring in my ear, it keeps me focused on the task at hand. I’m guzzling my extra strong coffee, looking at file after file.
I’ve stopped my music because it’s making me angrier. I’m losing focus now. My racing thoughts are too hard to ignore now. It’s chatty and noisy in my head, always narrating and talking, answering imaginary questions in my head. It’s like a talk show in my mind. Move over Ellen. Stupid, what a dumb thing to say, people are going to read this you know, they’re going to think you’re nuts.
I change my music to happier music, I am jittery and buzzing. I LOVE THIS FEELING. I go for a walk during lunch with my husband, Rob. I was hoping to walk off the electric feeling in my legs but no such luck. I get home and immediately start cleaning, I am buzzing with energy. The past few days I have been obsessing over cleaning by this point I am trailing behind my husband Rob closing cupboard doors and switching off lights. I even follow after guests tidying and cleaning as soon as I see a mess because it eases the anxiety.
By the time I get to bed my body is exhausted and for a moment its peaceful and quiet in my head. Then within a few minutes my legs are charged again and I feel like moving. My mind starts racing again. It occurs to me that I am truly becoming more and more manic, but the feeling is addictive, it is intoxicating. I feel better than I have in months. I feel I am the better version of myself. I don’t want this mood to be dulled, I don’t want to be flat anymore.