Bipolar, Mixed Episode, Psychosis

The Things That Go Bump In The Night

I am so afraid to close my eyes because I will hear that voice again, singing ever so eerily. I am staring towards my bedroom door, my whole body faces that way to keep an eye out for what I KNOW is lurking in the shadows. I can FEEL it there watching me and waiting for me to fall asleep. I can’t sleep until it is safe.

I wrote that last night. I am at work now, but I have to get these thoughts out of my mind. I am plagued by the remnants of the fear I felt last night. I am irritable and on edge from the lack of sleep.

Last night I lay in bed restless, unable to sleep. I tossed and turned. I read a little, browsed on my phone for some time. I then decided I had to do something, I can’t remember what. I go towards the door and stop because I realise its dark, even darker beyond my bedroom door. So I go back to bed. I am still restless; my legs feel electric and on fire again, the energy and heat spreading through to the rest of my body, coursing through my veins.

I jump up again and turn on the flash light on my phone and force myself to step out into the hallway. I move towards the living room and switch the light on and then I hear it. I hear the soft eerie voice in my ear singing something inaudible; it sends shivers down my spine. I immediately switch off the light and run back to my room terrified.  I wake up my husband and he very comfortingly puts his arm around me and reminds me that I am safe and that he is with me. It’s not enough. I know something is there waiting to get me.

I tried to sleep with my back facing the door but I could feel its presence behind me, creeping over me, swallowing me up whole. I could still hear the singing but it’s slightly fainter than before. I kept myself awake, facing the door to be able to see any threats coming my way. I slept with my lamp on all night, that way there were no shadows for it to hide in watchful wait. I try desperately to keep myself awake. Eventually I am exhausted, my eyes betray me and I fall asleep.

All of a sudden it is morning and my lamp is still on – a reminder of the terror I went through the last night. I go through the morning motions, a zombie more than ever. I am irritable and feel unsettled. It feels like there’s something wrong. I feel really angry and like I am coming undone. It often takes a while for me to feel better after this happens. It’s a symptom I get that very few people know about. Hopefully it doesn’t get worse.

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